Shame affects everyone. But its impacts aren’t always obvious, and so we may not realise that we’re acting and reacting out of shame. Generally we think of shame as a bad thing – but is it? Is it all bad? Or does it have a purpose? – a purpose rooted in our evolutionary neurobiology?
Shame is a principal consequence of trauma, especially interpersonal trauma such as child sexual abuse. We’ve often thought that this is because somehow we cognitively assess the trauma to be shameful, but the reality is more in the fact that there is a huge overlap between the neurobiology of shame and the neurobiology of trauma. Both take us into the ‘red zone’ (in the words of the trauma traffic light) of shutdown, dissociation, freeze and submission.
And so the purpose of shame is actually survival: shame teaches us to avoid behaviours that would see us excluded from the group. And shame puts the brake on behaviours that provoke more attack.
Shame is principally a bodily state, rather than a mental one: its roots are in our physiology rather than our thoughts. And that is why shame rarely responds easily to words. In fact, even just thinking about shame can provoke shame in us. Treatment for shame can exacerbate shame.
Shame is debilitating, destructive, and sometimes even dangerous, even though its primary evolutionary purpose is to keep us safe. How can this be? What can we do about it?
Explore my resources below, and especially my ‘Working with Shame’ course to find out more.
A heartfelt, emotive course on the neurobiology of shame, its overlap with trauma, and how to work effectively with it in the therapy room. With both left-brain neuroscience and right-brain personal narrative, this course uniquely looks at how shame manifests first and foremost in our bodies, and how to work with shame without exacerbating it. Join me on the journey from crippling shame to living with the courage to be imperfect.
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In this podcast, I talk about the crippling isolation of shame, and how to move beyond it. I talk about how shame is a survival strategy which tries to keep us from being hurt. And how, in moving towards ‘unshame’, we need to find out who we really are and live from that place of deep self-compassion.
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Shame so often has been conceptualised as a belief in the badness of the self, a construct of faulty cognitions. But if it serves a self-protective purpose, of acting as a handbrake on anger to keep us safe from further harm?
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Child sexual abuse and shame are inextricably intertwined. As victims, we feel the shame that the perpetrator doesn't. But why is it so hard to shift this shame? This article looks at six reasons why the deck is stacked against us.
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‘How can I help you?’ the therapist asks me. ‘What do you need from me?’ I look at her closely, examining her features, whilst also looking through her, to make sure I don’t connect too closely. First the fear: Is this a trick? What does she mean? What does she want? Why is she saying this? Then the shame: What right have I to be helped? And afterwards, the sadness: No-one has ever offered to help me. Three emotions in three seconds.
Read MoreGet free Carolyn Spring Trauma Resources when you join my mailing list.
Get free Carolyn Spring Trauma Resources when you join my mailing list.
